혼잣말

매우 외로웠지요
둘레의 어느 누구도
참으로 들으려고 하지 않고
그저 어림잡으려 들 뿐이라는 것을
마침내 깨달았을 때
무리에 어울리지 못하고
외따로 떨어져 있다고 느꼈어요

참뜻을 담으려 애써 보았지만
속뜻 그대로 받아들여 주는 이
찾을 수 없다고 생각했을 때
말하려고 힘쓰는 것을 그만두었지요
그렇게 해서 혼자가 되었어요

나란히 앉아 가만히 귀 기울여 주던
그대를 만났을 때
마음 놓고 이야기 나눌 벗이
드디어 생겼다는 그 커다란 기쁨,
부러울 것이 없었지요
더는 외톨이가 아니라 함께라는 느낌에
마냥 즐거웠어요

하지만 그때 나는
줄곧 혼자였던 탓인지
남의 마음을 아는 데 아주 서툴렀지요
말뜻만 곧이곧대로 들었을 뿐
말하는 모습을 들을 줄은 몰랐어요
그래서 끝내는 그대 마음을
그토록 다치게 만들었나 보아요

그대가 일부러 그랬다고는
생각하지 않아요
어쩌면 그대도 스스로의 마음을
잘 몰랐던 게 아닐까요?
나 또한 때때로 그렇듯이요

떠나겠다 말하고는
더는 아무 말도 듣지 않던 그대
내게는 너무나 갑작스러워서
다급히 그대를 불렀을 때는 이미
아무리 외쳐도 그대에게 닿지 않는
내 목소리, 마음이 몹시 아팠어요

내 마음과 하나가 되었던 그대 마음이
내게서 도로 찢겨 나간 그 자리가
미치도록 쓰라린 괴로움에
얼이 빠졌다 들었다 하던 나는
오랫동안 곰곰이 생각했어요
그대가 그렇게 그리운 까닭이
다시 홀로되는 것이 무서워서인지
아니면 정말로 좋아했기 때문인지

짧다면 짧은 동안의 사귐일지라도
내 가슴에 깊이 새겨진 벗의 모습은
지워질 줄을 모르는 것 같아요
어쩌다가 즐거웠던 날들이 생각날 때에는
아직도 기쁨이 차오르는 것을 느끼며
그대가 보고 싶어지네요

여기 빛나는가 쳐다보면 곧 사라지고
저기 빛나는가 돌아보면 다시 꺼지며
깜빡깜빡 밝아졌다 사그라졌다 하며
날아다니는 조그마한 연두 빛 불꽃들
그 예쁘고 아름답게 빛나는 모습에
저도 모르게 휘둥그래진 눈 크게 뜨고
신이 나서 두리번거리는 동안 되살아나는
옛날 시골에서 반딧불 구경가자고
한밤에 사촌 형 조르던 아이의 마음

Have you ever thought about brotherly love? Most societies in the world value brotherly love. It is not always easy, however, for you to love your brother. Sometimes it requires your sacrifice, and sometimes it seems not to work at all. The short story, "The Red Convertible", written by Louise Erdrich, is about brotherly love. It is a story of Lyman and his elder brother Henry. They have a very close relationship, and take care of each other a lot. The situation turns quite bad, however, after Henry has been sent to the Vietnam War as a marine. When the war is over and Henry comes back home, he has got a serious mental disorder. His family also suffers from pain, watching helplessly their loved one. At the end, in spite of all the efforts Lyman has made to help Henry back to a normal, peaceful life, Henry jumps in a rough river and says, "my boots are filling," in a normal voice, and drowns. In this story, Louise Erdrich described how two brothers hurt each other while both of them sacrificed themselves for the good of each other. The story lets us think why the results of their love and sacrifice betray their hope.

Lyman is a Native American, and he is good at making money. He has a touch for it. In addition, he has been always lucky. In contrast, his elder brother Henry has never been as lucky as Lyman. The two brothers' relationship is very close, though. One day, they see a red convertible with a FOR SALE sign. They buy it with all the money they have. Then they travel one whole summer in that car. After they get back home, Henry is sent to the Vietnam War. When Henry leaves home, he gives Lyman his key to the car.

When Henry comes back home after the war is over, he has changed very much in the bad way. Lyman thinks that the car might bring the old Henry back somehow. He whacks it up and waits for Henry to find it. Henry finds it and starts to fix it. It seems as if the old Henry is coming back. When it becomes spring and the car is fixed, they go to a river because Henry wants to see the high water. They make themselves a fire, but it lets Henry recall the bad dream of the war. Lyman takes Henry by the shoulders and starts shaking him. "Wake up," Lyman says, "wake up, wake up, wake up!" "I know it," Henry says. "I know it. I can't help it. It's no use." Then Henry says that he fixed the car just to give it back to Lyman. Lyman insists on it that he will not take the car, though. They keep arguing and fight with their fists. Then both of them start to laugh. Henry dances wild, and Lyman thinks that it is the old Henry again. "Got to cool me off!" Henry shouts all of sudden. Then he runs over to the river, jumps in, and drowns. After Henry has gone, Lyman walks back to the car, turns on the high beams, and lets the car go into the river, watching it sink in the water.

"In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving."(Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, Korean Student Edition, p. 25) If love is giving rather than receiving, those who love someone would want to give something to the one whom they love. Both Lyman and Henry also loved each other in this way. The red convertible must have some value to both of them. Henry wanted to give his share to Lyman, since there was not much that he could give to, or do for Lyman. Henry would have felt satisfied if Lyman had taken the car. Lyman did not take the car, though, and Henry could not feel the joy of giving. Lyman also wanted to share something valuable with Henry. Lyman would have felt pleased if Henry had kept the car along with Lyman. Henry did not do so, though, and Lyman could not feel the joy of giving, either. It seems that both Lyman and Henry did not know that there was still something else left that they could do for their loved brother and make him happy.

If Henry had despaired owing to his mental illness and felt so much frustrated about the fact that he made his family worry about him, he might have wanted to go to the river to jump in from the beginning. If he wanted to give the car to Lyman to do anything good for his brother before he died so that he could feel better at all, I cannot blame him no matter how bad Lyman felt about his death, because it might be the only thing that Henry could do for himself. If Henry, however, decided to jump in the river to keep his family from worrying about him, I think that he made the wrong decision, because Lyman would live forever with a guilty conscience. Louise Erdrich implied this in the scene where Lyman told about the picture. Lyman's eleven-year-old sister Bonita takes a picture of Lyman and Henry with the car, after Henry has fixed the car. Lyman says, "I felt good having his picture on the wall, until one night when I was looking at television. I was a little drunk and stoned. I looked up at the wall and Henry was staring at me. I don't know what it was, but his smile had changed, or maybe it was gone. All I know is I couldn't stay in the same room with that picture." If Henry made a wrong decision, it is probably because he did not know how Lyman would feel about his death.

Lyman wanted the old Henry back, so he tried to help Henry. Henry knew that Lyman wanted to help him. Henry's mental illness was, however, hard to be healed, and Henry also knew that. Henry must have been afraid of betraying Lyman's hope, but Lyman probably did not know that. How would it be different, if Lyman understood Henry's feeling better? What would Henry do, if he knew that his family were happy and grateful for just his living with them? Would he not keep struggling to live on, enduring all the pain of his mental illness? If the family could encourage Henry to keep struggling to live on, would it not be worth to feel happy and grateful even though they could not do much to heal Henry's mental illness? "Giving is the highest expression of potency. . . . Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness."(Fromm, p. 26) If this is true, then not being able to give must mean the lack of power and the ways to express one's aliveness, in contrast. It must be the reason why it is so painful watching your loved one helplessly. The very fact that watching your loved one helplessly is not easy and needs a lot of patience, however, also proves that it is love, which is active, rather than being passive. Because it is love, it must have the power to encourage your loved one to keep struggling to live on.

Reading the story, we can see clearly that both Lyman and Henry loved each other. We also see, though, that they could not satisfy each other with all their efforts and sacrifice. Thus, we can learn that understanding is essential to love. Sometimes we may give people a joy by accepting their gifts from their hearts. Sometimes we may hurt people by doing what they do not want truly, although we believe that we do it for the good of them. And, sometimes just watching with care may encourage our loved one, even if we cannot help much directly. I wonder how the story might have changed if Lyman and Henry had understood each other better. Understand your loved people with your heart, then you will learn how to love them.

한밤에 텐트 안에서
가만히 누워서 눈을 감으면
갑자기 커지는 물결 소리
골짝에 흐르는 물 멀리 있어서
이토록 크게 들릴 까닭 없는데
이렇게 들려오는 웅성거림은
높이 지나가는 바람에
나뭇잎 물결치는 소리일까

장석남 시인의 산문집, <물의 정거장>을 읽고 있습니다. 아직 처음 몇 편 밖에 못 읽었지만, 그냥 그동안의 느낌을 적어 보려고 합니다. 다 읽고 느낌을 잘 정리해서 써보려고 하다가는 읽으면서 무슨 생각을 했는지 어떤 느낌이었는지 고새 다 까먹어버리기 때문이죠. 흑...

처음 몇 편의 글을 읽는 동안, 조금은 지나치다 싶게 가까운 둘레의 것들에서 아름다움을 느끼는 장석남 시인의 생각이, 같은 것들에 대해서 아름다움을 비슷하게나마도 느끼지 못하는 제 가슴에 오히려 씁쓸한 느낌을 주더군요. 하지만 <절터>라는 시 - 비록 산문집에 실려 있지만 제게는 시라고 생각되는 글 한 편은, "그래, 바로 이거야, 바로 이런 것을 맛보려고 시를 읽는 거야"하는 생각이 들도록 좋았습니다. 머리 속에 좀 더 잘 그리어 보려고, 그 자리에서 두 번, 세 번을 읽었지요.

절터

절터엔 오롯이
탑 한 기만 남아 있었습니다.
빈 절터에서 밤이 올 때까지
오래 앉아 있고 싶을 때가 있었습니다.
주춧돌만 남은 절터는
사랑이 지나간
가슴과도 같습니다.

이 책에서 맛 볼 수 있는 또 한가지의 즐거움이 있습니다. 글과 글 사이 사이에 시인 스스로가 돌에 새긴 그림을 볼 수 있는데, 그 그림들이 참 '여백(餘白)의 미(美)'라고 할까 싶은 멋을 지니고 있어 보기 좋더군요. 시인 스스로는 "역시 전각도 판화도, 혹여 미술의 어떤 것도 아니다. 그저 어린아이의 노는 뒷모습으로 간주하여 옅은 웃음과 함께 넘겨주시면 한다"고 말하지만, 제게는 다른 비싸고 어려운 그림들에서보다 그린 사람이 느낀 것을 도리어 잘 알 수 있어서 좋았습니다. 다만, 제 스스로는 어느 한 가지도 안되는데, 장석남 시인은 글로도, 그림으로도 느낌을 이렇게나 잘 나타낼 수 있는 것이 몹시 부럽고 샘이 나기도 하는군요. 그래도, 앞으로 읽는 동안 또 어떤 그림을 볼 수 있을까 하는 생각에 절로 기다려집니다.